The Story of a... Holiday Turkey

A gobbler talks turkey about canceling Thanksgiving, the presidential pardon, PETA and Sarah Palin.



istockphoto.com

I hate November and December.

How in the hell did turkeys become the main course for Thanksgiving? The Pilgrims ate a lot of other feathered fowl—ducks and geese, to name a couple—but somehow we became the edible symbol of Thanksgiving. Turkey farmers had a better lobby than the goose farmers, I guess.

Butterball, Smithfield, Publix . . . . Do you really think we care which brand we become?

Gobble, gobble. OK, there. I said it.

Forty-five million turkeys are eaten every Thanksgiving. How does that make me feel? Hungry. All the stress makes me eat nonstop.

I don’t like being called ‘Tom.’ My name is Lyle.

Any day now President Obama will pardon a turkey. I hope it’s not Glenn Beck. But, for the record, I take exception to the use of ‘turkey’ as an insult. Call me one to my beak and see what happens. But you won’t because you’re chicken. Bruck, bruck, bruuuuuck!

You know, Benjamin Franklin felt that my wild brethren would have been a more fitting symbol of the United States than the eagle. But instead of adorning the presidential seal, the wild turkey is the label for a bourbon. I think Ben would have approved.

Yeah, those folks at PETA scare me, too. They don’t look like they’re getting enough protein. Why do you think that is?

Yes, I have a bucket list and a bucket full of corn is on it. Also this hen that lives in the caged pen next to mine.

There is no hospice for turkeys. We tend to go rather suddenly.

From what I hear, you all would be better off without Thanksgiving. Think about it: You get together with family you don’t like, eat too much and feel bad about it, throw away a lot of food and feel bad about that, too, listen to the family martyr complain that she did all the cooking and no one helped her, fight over who’s going to clean up, drink too much and can’t drive so you have to stay in the house with all these people who make you nuts. And the only thing on TV is the Detroit Lions. The government would be doing everyone a favor by canceling that holiday.

I saw the video of Sarah Palin yapping away while a turkey was being slaughtered in the background. I think you could call that a mercy killing.

Ever see a fat vegan? That’s something to think about before ordering a turkey for Thanksgiving.

Want to read the whole issue? Download and read this issue and others on Magzter.

Add your comment:

 

Guides & Resources

Real Estate's Hot 100

Whether you’re trying to buy or sell real estate, getting the best deal means finding an agent who possesses savvy and know-how and gets results. This list showcases some Central Florida agents who have demonstrated those skills.

Spotlight on Plastic Surgeons 2014

This special advertising section highlights the accomplishments of plastic surgeons, who tell about their commitment to helping people look their best.

Orlando's Best Lawyers of 2014

Get informed with our annual list of more than 400 Orlando-area attorneys, compiled by Best Lawyers in America. The annual selection features lawyers in 78 areas of practice.

Spotlight on Lawyers 2014

Our special advertising section featuring profiles on local lawyers.

Premier Doctors

This special advertising section highlights the professionalism, backgrounds and achievements of dozens of doctors.

Best Lawyers

When you need an attorney, you want someone with a strong reputation and a proven track record.

MoreRecent Blog Posts

Creating Space

Top tips for cleaning out and organizing your closet.

National Bison Month

Consider bison as a red meat substitute for your World Cup party eats.

4th of July in Orlando

The best events in Orlando for 4th of July with family and friends.

Pillow Talk

Amp up the style in your living space with throw pillows.