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The Story of a... Holiday Turkey

A gobbler talks turkey about canceling Thanksgiving, the presidential pardon, PETA and Sarah Palin.

istockphoto.com

I hate November and December.

How in the hell did turkeys become the main course for Thanksgiving? The Pilgrims ate a lot of other feathered fowl—ducks and geese, to name a couple—but somehow we became the edible symbol of Thanksgiving. Turkey farmers had a better lobby than the goose farmers, I guess.

Butterball, Smithfield, Publix . . . . Do you really think we care which brand we become?

Gobble, gobble. OK, there. I said it.

Forty-five million turkeys are eaten every Thanksgiving. How does that make me feel? Hungry. All the stress makes me eat nonstop.

I don’t like being called ‘Tom.’ My name is Lyle.

Any day now President Obama will pardon a turkey. I hope it’s not Glenn Beck. But, for the record, I take exception to the use of ‘turkey’ as an insult. Call me one to my beak and see what happens. But you won’t because you’re chicken. Bruck, bruck, bruuuuuck!

You know, Benjamin Franklin felt that my wild brethren would have been a more fitting symbol of the United States than the eagle. But instead of adorning the presidential seal, the wild turkey is the label for a bourbon. I think Ben would have approved.

Yeah, those folks at PETA scare me, too. They don’t look like they’re getting enough protein. Why do you think that is?

Yes, I have a bucket list and a bucket full of corn is on it. Also this hen that lives in the caged pen next to mine.

There is no hospice for turkeys. We tend to go rather suddenly.

From what I hear, you all would be better off without Thanksgiving. Think about it: You get together with family you don’t like, eat too much and feel bad about it, throw away a lot of food and feel bad about that, too, listen to the family martyr complain that she did all the cooking and no one helped her, fight over who’s going to clean up, drink too much and can’t drive so you have to stay in the house with all these people who make you nuts. And the only thing on TV is the Detroit Lions. The government would be doing everyone a favor by canceling that holiday.

I saw the video of Sarah Palin yapping away while a turkey was being slaughtered in the background. I think you could call that a mercy killing.

Ever see a fat vegan? That’s something to think about before ordering a turkey for Thanksgiving.

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