Best in Show? Probably Not

I suppose my next dog should be a Border Collie, just so I can be mistaken as highly intelligent and willing to please.




Photo By Scott A. Miller

You’ve heard the expression “dogs resemble their owners.” It’s not to be taken literally, or at least I hope it isn’t because my last best buddy was a Basset hound. Lucky for him, he didn’t look a thing like me.

We did, however, share some common behavioral characteristics, some endearing, some not so much. Basset hounds are extremely lovable and good-natured, but also very stubborn and not all that obedient. They are not “best in show” material.

I suppose my next dog should be a Border Collie, just so I can be mistaken as highly intelligent and willing to please. I do like smart, well-behaved dogs—at other people’s homes.

But enough about me and my canine similarities and disparities. In keeping with the theme of our pet issue, let’s take a look —strictly in jest, mind you—at some public figures and the designer dogs that I imagine they resemble. If you’re a cat person, sorry, but I don’t do cats.

Gilbert Arenas – Cash Hound: This breed is known to appear as a championship-caliber bloodline, but in actuality it’s an untrainable fleabag. Still, every once in a while an unsuspecting buyer comes along and pays millions for it, only to regret the purchase.

Buddy Dyer – BoJack Terrier:
A cross between a boxer and a Jack Russell Terrier, the BoJack Terrier is an intelligent and good-natured breed, but it’s also always in motion and can be a handful if it doesn’t get its way. The word on this hybrid dog is it’s expensive to maintain.

Teresa Jacobs – Doberoodle: A Doberman-Standard Poodle mix, this designer dog is assertive, highly intelligent and intense to the point of appearing ready to pounce if you so much as try to slip anything by it. But the Doberoodle offers a sweet, fun side if you’ve earned its trust. If not, you’re in trouble.

Rick Scott – Ratahassee Hairless:
A mix of a rat terrier, hairless Chihuahua and the drunken power of Tallahassee, this dog is the Frankenstein monster of cross-breeding. It’s big and scary and can be destructive if not muzzled and kept on a short leash. A pit bull is a family dog compared to a Ratahassee Hairless.

Nancy Grace – Lhasa Apweiler: The cross of a Lhasa Apso and a Rottweiler, this pet was bred to look like a small show dog but act like a big, bad guard dog. Usually well-groomed and bedecked with a designer collar, the Lhasa Apweiler has been trained to go Cujo at the mention of “tot mom,” nipping at anyone who tries to get a word in while it’s barking its head off.

Matt Falconer – Teacup Pointer: A miniature Pointer that can fit in the palm of your hand, this dog yips constantly while bird-dogging wasteful government spending and tax cuts. This breed has one thought on its mind all the time, making it best suited for narrow-minded people.

Alan Grayson – Grey Wolfhound: A Greyhound-Wolfhound hybrid, this is a big, smart dog that hunts only in Washington, D.C. Once allowed to chase prey, namely Republicans, the Grey Wolfhound can’t be restrained for two years, after which crate training is advised to housebreak it again.

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