OrlandoLeaks: Got a Secret?

Charlie: You should ditch the GOP and go rogue—it’s your only hope to win the Senate race.

Photo By Scott A. Miller

The WikiLeaks scandal got me thinking about all the dirty little secrets in Orlando that could be leaked if only there were a repository for them. So, I’m stepping up to the plate and offering my e-mail basket as the place to send secret communiqués, or just juicy gossip, regarding high-profile locals.

While I wait for the confidential transmissions to come pouring in, here are the sorts of “leaks” I could imagine seeing:

Jan. 13, 2010
Dear Billy:

I’m up to my hairline in $500 campaign checks from Orlando’s big shots. Meanwhile, our opponents are begging for table scraps. You might as well go ahead and get a plaque engraved to put outside your new office: Bill Segal, Mayor of Orange County.

This couldn’t be easier if you were sleepwalking through the campaign!

Your campaign manager,

April 26, 2010

You just don’t have it in you to be a strident, tough-talking Republican, like Marco Rubio. You should ditch the GOP and go rogue—it’s your only hope to win the Senate race. The move would suit your style, being the man of malleable convictions that you are.

If this doesn’t work out, you can always have a job at my firm in Orlando. You would make a lot more money pretending you’re “for the people” than pretending you’re a man of the people!


Aug. 25, 2010

I had Buddy Dyer’s support and every major endorsement in town and what did that get me? A butt-kicking by Teresa in yesterday’s primary race, that’s what. We need to get creative with our personal attacks on Jacobs. How about labeling her “Taxing Teresa,” with an illustration depicting her as a dark-skinned spendthrift?

And stop calling me Billy!


Sept. 15, 2010
Dear RPOF Donors:

The following is to be held in the strictest confidence:

The leadership of the Republican Party of Florida wants to assure you that we’re handling this so-called “credit card scandal” and it’s business as usual here at party HQ.

The findings of our “forensic audit” of $7 million in charges run up by RPOF staffers and elected leaders in our party will keep the media and the feds distracted for some time. The audit determined that spending abuses were limited to only three individuals—our turncoat governor, Charlie Crist; his BFF, former party chairman Jim Greer; and Greer’s toadie, former RPOF executive director Delmar Johnson.

They will take the fall while we vigorously defend current RPOF leaders who also have been viciously accused of using party-issued cards as their own personal ATM’s.

On a final note, our new speaker of the House, Dean Cannon, needs your help. Because we cut up the AmEx cards as a PR move, we’re asking that you, our generous donors, send him gift cards to Ruth’s Chris Steak House or Houston’s so he can conduct party “business” near his Winter Park home. Dean also could use some gas money, in the form of prepaid cards, to pay for fill-ups of his plane.

Of course, it goes without saying that we are beholden to you, dear donors, for your unwavering support.

Your humble servants at the RPOF

Dec. 4, 2010

Just watched you lose a golf tournament that the old Tiger would have won while sextin’ strippers between putts. That Tiger would never have given up a three-shot lead in the final round, much less lose the match on the first playoff hole.

How’s that freewheeling bachelor life working for you?


Edit Module
Want to read the whole issue? Download and read this issue and others on Magzter.

Add your comment:
Edit Module Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow TagsEdit ModuleShow Tags

Guides & Resources

Vacation Planner

Your next getaway is only a click away. Search our database for a great vacation experience.

2016 Premier Veterinarians

2016 Pet Resource Guide

Check out our searchable 2016 list of some of the best pet resources in the Orlando area.

Premier Realtors

Check out our 2016 searchable database of Orlando's premier realtors.

Orlando's Best Lawyers 2016

Our annual list includes hundreds of Orlando-area attorneys in dozens of areas of practice.

Orlando's Top Dentists of 2016

Our annual list featuring 224 of the area's finest dental professionals.

Guide to Private Schools 2016

Our searchable annual database will help you chart an educational course for your family.
Edit ModuleShow Tags Edit ModuleShow Tags

MoreRecent Blog Posts

Culinary Delights at the Epcot Food & Wine Festival

Dino Roussia provides an insider’s look into the longest and most recognized food and wine events in the world at Walt Disney World’s Epcot.

Weekend Happenings in Orlando Oct 21 to 23

Find out what's happening in and around Orlando this weekend.

Moving Snap! Shots

Gallery owners Patrick and Holly Kahn offer powerful exhibits showcasing photographer Roger Ballen, as well as Pulse tribute images.

Weekend Happenings in Orlando Oct 14 to 16

Find the best events in and around the city for the weekend.

A Celebration of Wildlife—and the Good Life

Thomasville, Georgia’s Plantation Wildlife Arts Festival features dozens of wildlife artists, fine dining, music, parties and a Southern-flavored Bird Dog Bash.
Edit Module