OrlandoLeaks: Got a Secret?

Charlie: You should ditch the GOP and go rogue—it’s your only hope to win the Senate race.



Photo By Scott A. Miller

The WikiLeaks scandal got me thinking about all the dirty little secrets in Orlando that could be leaked if only there were a repository for them. So, I’m stepping up to the plate and offering my e-mail basket as the place to send secret communiqués, or just juicy gossip, regarding high-profile locals.

While I wait for the confidential transmissions to come pouring in, here are the sorts of “leaks” I could imagine seeing:

Jan. 13, 2010
Dear Billy:

I’m up to my hairline in $500 campaign checks from Orlando’s big shots. Meanwhile, our opponents are begging for table scraps. You might as well go ahead and get a plaque engraved to put outside your new office: Bill Segal, Mayor of Orange County.

This couldn’t be easier if you were sleepwalking through the campaign!

Your campaign manager,
Eric

April 26, 2010
Charlie:

You just don’t have it in you to be a strident, tough-talking Republican, like Marco Rubio. You should ditch the GOP and go rogue—it’s your only hope to win the Senate race. The move would suit your style, being the man of malleable convictions that you are.

If this doesn’t work out, you can always have a job at my firm in Orlando. You would make a lot more money pretending you’re “for the people” than pretending you’re a man of the people!

John

Aug. 25, 2010
Eric:

I had Buddy Dyer’s support and every major endorsement in town and what did that get me? A butt-kicking by Teresa in yesterday’s primary race, that’s what. We need to get creative with our personal attacks on Jacobs. How about labeling her “Taxing Teresa,” with an illustration depicting her as a dark-skinned spendthrift?

And stop calling me Billy!

Bill

Sept. 15, 2010
Dear RPOF Donors:

The following is to be held in the strictest confidence:

The leadership of the Republican Party of Florida wants to assure you that we’re handling this so-called “credit card scandal” and it’s business as usual here at party HQ.

The findings of our “forensic audit” of $7 million in charges run up by RPOF staffers and elected leaders in our party will keep the media and the feds distracted for some time. The audit determined that spending abuses were limited to only three individuals—our turncoat governor, Charlie Crist; his BFF, former party chairman Jim Greer; and Greer’s toadie, former RPOF executive director Delmar Johnson.

They will take the fall while we vigorously defend current RPOF leaders who also have been viciously accused of using party-issued cards as their own personal ATM’s.

On a final note, our new speaker of the House, Dean Cannon, needs your help. Because we cut up the AmEx cards as a PR move, we’re asking that you, our generous donors, send him gift cards to Ruth’s Chris Steak House or Houston’s so he can conduct party “business” near his Winter Park home. Dean also could use some gas money, in the form of prepaid cards, to pay for fill-ups of his plane.

Of course, it goes without saying that we are beholden to you, dear donors, for your unwavering support.

Your humble servants at the RPOF

Dec. 4, 2010
Kitten:

Just watched you lose a golf tournament that the old Tiger would have won while sextin’ strippers between putts. That Tiger would never have given up a three-shot lead in the final round, much less lose the match on the first playoff hole.

How’s that freewheeling bachelor life working for you?

Meow!
Elin

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