Big Deals for Howard




Photo By Norma Lopez Molina

If Dwight Howard is determined to leave the Magic, then Orlando needs to get something of lasting value in return. Another superstar NBA player who can dunk a basketball? Puhleeze. He’ll only leave as soon as he can, despite declaring his devotion to Orlando and his fans here, and saying he can’t imagine playing anywhere else. That is, until his contract is up.

Face it, we’re a small market, a proverbial rung in the ladder that a superstar basketball player steps on in his climb to big-league cities where celebrities and world championships go hand in velvet glove. We might as well accept that any future NBA Hall of Famer with the Magic will finish his career elsewhere.

So, let’s not trade for another big man with big dreams of bright lights and red carpets. For Howard, we want a game-changer for the city’s prestige. If the trade were in my hands, here’s what I would ask for from the teams for whom Howard has said he will play: 

Los Angeles—The Kardashian sisters. Their mom and scary-looking stepdad, former Olympian Bruce Jenner, can stay in L.A. and watch Howard play for the Lakers. With the alliterative sisters Kim, Khloe and Kourtney, Orlando is on the map as the reality TV stars’ home base of nonstop need for attention. As per stipulations of the trade, the talentless siblings will have to talk about themselves ad nauseam, plus have to date, marry, divorce and repeat the cycle in Orlando, with landmarks like the Lake Eola Fountain and Church Street Station and theme parks placed in episodes as scenery but really meant to promote tourism. 

New Jersey—What we’ll take in exchange for giving Howard to the Nets are Princeton University and Bruce Springsteen. We’ll throw in the to-be-built downtown Creative Village educational development and former boy-band singer Joey Fatone to sweeten the deal. Princeton gives Orlando Ivy League cachet and raises the collective IQ of Central Florida by at least 100 points while Springsteen makes Orlando a cool town to call home. The deal also would require that the school move its football program to a BCS conference in an effort to draw locals to the hallowed campus. Springsteen just has to say he’s from here. 

Dallas—The Grassy Knoll, Mary Kay cosmetics’ headquarters and a Texas-sized ego. That’s a lot to ask in return for sending Howard to the Mavericks, but they only do big deals in Big D. With the Grassy Knoll we get a key part of the conspiracy theory surrounding the JFK assassination. Let’s put it on I-Drive outside Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Relocating Mary Kay’s HQ to Orlando gives us bragging rights as the beauty capital of the world, bringing pink Cadillacs to our roads and heavily made-up women to the social scene. A big ego would help the city get over its inferiority complex.

Go ahead, mock my fantasy trades as utter nonsense and of no value to the Orlando Magic, or, to put them in perspective with reality, about as helpful to the team’s chances of winning a championship as Gilbert Arenas.

Edit Module
Want to read the whole issue? Download and read this issue and others on Magzter.
Edit ModuleShow Tags

Featured Story

2015 Dining Awards

Readers pick 123 top restaurants in 62 categories.

Add your comment:
Edit Module Edit ModuleShow Tags

 

Edit ModuleShow TagsEdit ModuleShow Tags

Guides & Resources

2015 Best Lawyers

When you need an attorney, you want someone with a strong reputation and a proven track record. The annual Best Lawyers® list provides the names of Orlando-area attorneys most recommended by their colleagues in the field.

Orlando's Top Dentists of 2015

Our annual list featuring 216 of the area’s finest dental professionals.

Dentists Q&As

We selected 4 dentists to weigh in on questions related to dental health.

Guide to Private Schools 2015

Our annual guide to private schools will help you chart an educational course for your family.

2014 Finest Doctors

Two national surveys name the Best and Top Doctors in Orlando, as recommended by their peers.

Orlando's Top Chiropractors of 2014

More than 75 Central Florida chiropractors make our inaugural list.

Fall Getaways

Fall is finally on its way and now is the perfect time to plan your getaway. Check out some of these great deals and special destinations just a short drive from Orlando.

Real Estate's Hot 100

Whether you’re trying to buy or sell real estate, getting the best deal means finding an agent who possesses savvy and know-how and gets results. This list showcases some Central Florida agents who have demonstrated those skills.
Edit ModuleShow Tags Edit ModuleShow Tags

MoreRecent Blog Posts

Orlando’s Move to Go Green

We talked with Mayor Buddy Dyer about his plan for a greener Orlando.

Celebrities Who Got Their Start in Orlando

Check out our list of celebrities with Orlando roots.

Celebrities From Orlando

Handmade Home: Pastel Party

Deck out your Easter gathering with the colors of spring.
Edit Module