The Name Game


The Magic told us in June that they were close to a reaching a naming deal on the new Orlando Events Center, but a team spokesman wouldn’t offer any specifics. Therefore, we decided to come up with some sponsorship scenarios of our own.


1. Anheuser-Busch InBev Tavernena

The parent company of SeaWorld installs a Shark Encounter aquarium under the see-through basketball court. The halftime show features an exhilarating feeding frenzy among various forms of marine life. Shamu becomes the official team mascot. 

2. Olive Darden Square Garden

Bottomless Salad Bowl Nights are a hit, with fans knocking together bread sticks to distract free-throw shooters of the opposing team. On Red Lobster night, T-shirt guns are modified to fire wood-grilled crustaceans into the upper decks.

3. Ooexau Center

For the right to have its name on the Events Center, the Orlando-Orange County Expressway Authority agrees to pay the Magic $20 million a year, raising the money through a $75 toll at arena entrances. Popularly known as the “Ooox-Aww,’’ the center streamlines toll operations with an innovative FastAssPass subepidermal transponder. 

4. Doll House Pleasure Palace

The legendary “gentlemen’s” club on South Orange Blossom Trail immediately fires the Magic Dancers and replaces them with strippers. Players hate the pole at center court, but they don’t mind the lap dances while sitting on the bench.   

5. Mickey Dome

The basketball court shaped like mouse ears creates confusion at first, but the NBA eventually adopts the configuration for all arenas. Disney also persuades the league to implement the “Goofy shot,” a half-court heave worth five points in the final minute of a game. 

6. Morgan & Morgan’s House of Pain

Every fan must a sign liability waiver before boarding the “For the People Mover” to enter the arena. John Morgan and his attorneys are on hand to litigate 24-second violations, represent players disputing fouls and seek settlements for fans suffering mental anguish after losses. 
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